Husband Wife Jokes

It's All About Husband VS Wife

Category: Husband Wife Jokes in English

Listen silently your wife

Wife: “I met a Doctor today & he says, I have breasts of a 25 years old girl.”Husband: “Ohh and…

Short Husband

Girl: “I’m sexually harassed”Boss: “How ?”Girl: “This man everyday comes and say your hair smells nice”Boss: “Whats the problem in…

Wife will be wife

Doctor: Do you watch your husband face during sex? Lady: I did once and he looked very angry. Doctor: Why?…

Husband always seek chance

Customer: My wife needs a bra but I don’t know the size. Salesgirl: Touch my breast and try to calculate….

To know each other wife

Husband 1 : Meet my wife Tina Husband 2 : Oh! I know her Husband 1 : How? Husband 2…

Crazy Husbands

Two men went to a call girl.First went in and came out and said“Na.. my wife is better.”Second went in…

Husband and wife gone mad

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and…

When wife sleep with other

Wife :- If I sleep with your most loving & close friend, what will be the 1st thought in your…

A lady in the bar

Man offering a drink to a lady in bar. Lady: No, whiskey is bad for my legs. Man: Legs? that…

Kids always amazing

Teacher: “Kids,what does the chicken give you?” Student: “Meat!” Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?” Student:…

Just kidding

Wife: “How would you describe me?” Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” Wife: “What does that mean?” Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable,…

Only once in 4 years

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex . Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life? Wife:…

Kids always rock

Teacher: who’s the big person, you or your dad? Kid: it’s me of course.!! Teacher: why.? Kid: I stopped drinking…

Men will be damn

Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake. Lady: then why dint you tell me when I was removing my…

Only wife can save her husband

A husband asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: Husband – Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? Wife…

Wife’s cooking

Wife : I hate that beggar. Husband : Why ? Wife : Rascal, yesterday I gave him food today he…

Father and son conversation

Daddy, what is in between Mom’s legs? Father: A paradise. Son: And what’s between your’s? Dad: The key. Son: Then…

Kids always speak the truth

A small boy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,…

Kids know everything

Two kids were arguing in the playground. “My dad’s a better darts player than yours,” said the first boy. “No,…

Father and son

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old…

Just happy family

A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: ……

When wife is a good seller

A salesman go out of town for business. After a couple of weeks he comes home and tells his wife…

Dad son always rocks

Son : Dad, what’s the difference between Call Girl, Girl Friend and Wife? Dad : It’s like… Pre Paid, Post…

Mom shocked

Mom: How were you pregnant? Daughter: This is our project in college about “Miracle of Life” Mom: Tell me who…

Wife always answer smartly

A 70 Years old man asked his wife : “Do you feel sad when you see me running after the…

Flirty husband

Man to a very beautiful Air Hostess : “what’s your name?” Air Hostess : “Eva Benz…” Man: “Lovely Name… any…

Husbands are always cheap

Wife wakes up from sleep and says “I just had a dream that you bought me a diamond necklace..” Husband…

3 males a day

Doctor to female patient : “you are looking so weak & exhausted… Are you taking 3 meals a day as…

Dad will be dad

Dad puts Thumb impression on son’s mark sheet. Child asked father: Being a chartered accountant, Why did you put finger…

Need make up to unlock phone

Wife doing her makeup early morning straight out from Bed !! Husband : Are you crazy? Wife : Just shut…

Never ask a lady age

Before giving Anesthesia Doctor asked Lady: ” Whats Your Age Madam? “ Lady : 24 years! Doctor : Madam are…

Hilarious women

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, “I…

Dad got drunk

Two guys were sitting in a bar counter. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with…

Wife going out

Wife: I am going out for two hours. Do you want anything? Husband: No, That’s enough.

Kiss your own wife

Wife: Our neighbor always kisses his wife, before going to work.. why don’t you? Husband: How can I? I don’t…

With idiot for ever

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of Wife?, It means: Without information, fighting every-time! Wife says: No darling, It…

When husband wants to enjoy Sunday

Husband: Today is Sunday, A holiday, I want to enjoy whole day. So I have bought three movie tickets. Wife:…

Who is smart husband or wife

Wife: It’s my bad luck day I married you ! Otherwise, Lots of Smart Boys were interested in me.. Husband:…

Don’t steal wife’s boyfriend

A married couple come to the marriage counselor. The wife complains:- We were having a perfect marriage until his girlfriend…

Wife always chooses wisely

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who…

Money can change anything

Husband: If I won the lottery what would you do? Wife: I’d divorce you and take half the money. Husband:…

Husband wife share same blood group

A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood…

Be calm when it’s your wife

An elderly couple talk in the evening: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so…

Never trouble your wife

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a…

Never forget anniversary

A husband was bragging one day about remembering birth dates of all the family. His wife said “If you’re so…

Prefer your wife not whisky

Husband was sipping his whisky, while sitting in the balcony with wife and he says, “I love you so much,…

Boy turns hilarious situation on father

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, “No butter for two weeks!” The little boy kills a honeybee Dad…

Credit card and wife

Police: Why did not report your stolen credit card?Man: The thief was spending less than wife.

Husband day out with the mixer

Wife : Where are you? Husband: At home love. Wife: Are you sure ? Husband: Yes. Wife: Turn on the…

A naughty wife

Wife is angry as hubby stands too close to a beautiful girl in bus, girl slaps him for pinching. Husband…

Wife decide husband future

Once wife goes to palm reading astrologer Astrologer:- Do you want to know your husband future. Wife:- Rubbish, I will…

Wife joins English Classes

Wife joins English speaking class. After few days. Wife: Welcome home darling. Husband: I am so tired today. Wife: Okay,…

Literally funny

Husband throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target! Suddenly he received call from her “Hi,what are you…

Wife lost in supermarket

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here…

When you can’t handle your wife and girlfriend

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Wife or angel

Two men were talking about their wives The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says…

Find a new husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman…

Hilarious moment

20 years of sex in the dark the wife find out he was using a dildo the wife get angry…

When wife cooks food for husband

Wife: Do you want anything to eat? Husband: What are the choices? Wife: Yes or no!

Grandpa’s romance

I asked my grandfather,”After 5 years, you still call grandmother darling, beautiful, and honey. What’s the secret?” He said, “I…

Wife ask for to try different position

Wife: Shall we try a different position tonight? Husband: Excellent idea. Wife: OK, you stand at the sink, wash dishes…

Husband’s sense of humour

Wife texts husband on a clod winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water…

When wife drives a car

My wife arrived back from her driving test. “So, I asked excitedly, “how did you get on?” “Not good, “she…

Be a man of your wife

So my wife said “take off my shirt.” So I did as she said and took off her shirt. Then…

When wife speaks…

Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”. Man…

Remind wife about the kitchen

Husband asked his wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” Wife said, “Somewhere I have never been!”…

A store that sells “New Husbands”

A store that sells “New Husbands” has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a…

Dedicated to My All Funny Married Friends ….

Once I asked my friend, “What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?” He said “You should share responsibilities…

This is absolutely hilarious

A Woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”…

My Wife is in the Plane

United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51″… One afternoon,…

BREAKFAST IS THE INDICATOR OF YOUR WIFE’s MOOD

If the Breakfast is UPMA, think what you have shouted at her yesterday evening. If the Breakfast is Masala Dosa,…

The reason why Men are not allowed to give advice

The reason why Men are not allowed to give advice in Love-Columns of Magazines : Lady: “Hi! I’m a lady…

Being husband is a tough job

For all the harried Husbands out there … When I reached office, I got a call from my wife…”what is…

Women are extremely determined -Don’t mess with women.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were…

” To Be 26 Again!

A man in his late 40s was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking…

Wife Starts to think their kid looks kinda strange

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA…

Wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

An older couple who are in their 60s were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep ……

My wife asks me to peel off Garlic

Judge : Why do you want divorce? My wife asks me to peel off Garlic, cut Onions, wash utensils. Judge:…

Husband and wife went shopping

Husband and wife went shopping to get new dresses for the wife. After seeing numerous dresses, she shortlisted around 100…

A Newly Married Couple

A newly married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both knew it will…

My wife is missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home… Sergeant at Police Station: What is…

MOMS ARE MOMS……

A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going…

Men will be men !

While golfing, a man accidentally overturned his golf cart. A very attractive lady golfer, who lived in a villa on…

Do NOT sell your dream

In an investment seminar a man saw a beautiful lady and fell in love instantly. He proposed to her. However,…

Men will be Men:

Wife leaves a note on the fridge: “I have made all attempts. It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore….

The wife checked her husband’s phone

– The tender one – The amazing one – Lady of my dreams She got angry and called the first…

Boy and Girl Funny Fight

Wife: Calling from the bath room

Wife: ( calling from the bath room in a very sweet and husky voice) ” Darling, I am in the…

I am in the toilet

Wife was passing by, and saw her boyfriend standing by the A.T.M machine.she immediately hide & send a romantic text…

Argument of a young couple

I overheard an argument of a young couple in a supermarket recently. The young man angrily told his wife to…

Let us respect

A car ahead was moving like a turtle and not giving me way inspite of my continuous honking! I was…

Prince to Princess: “Will you marry me ?”

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess: “Will you marry me ?” The Princess said: NO…..And the…

A Wife is a Wife

A married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both knew it will bite…

Coffee is more dangerous than whisky

My friend told me that coffee is more dangerous than whisky. He realized it yesterday. Last night he had 8…

Husband Won a Lottery

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the…

Husband Wife Going To Las Vegas!

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the…

Divorce after 35 years !

An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says ….. ‘I hate to ruin your day…

Men are so simple

This is dedicated to all the lovely ladies here

When she takes time to select a dish from the menu, let her. Every day, for every meal she has…

To understand each other

The man can’t see the snake biting his wife, and the woman can’t see the boulder on her husbands back,…

© 2019 Husband Wife Jokes. Theme by Anders Norén.